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August 2001
Vol. 10, No. 08, p 60.
 
 
 
Lighter Elements
The Chemist Inorganical
(To the tune of “Modern Major General”, by Gilbert and Sullivan)

CHEMIST
I am the very model of a chemist inorganical,
I will not touch combustion nor those processes botanical,
I find esters and carboxylic acids to be quite a bore,
So since high school I have not dealt with hydrocarbons any more.

I detest pi and sigma bonds; while counting them I almost cried,
Who cares that CH2O is how one would write formaldehyde,
Of compounds found in nature I’ve no interest; that’s not my thing,
I dread each second that I think about that awful benzene ring.

LABORATORY ASSISTANTS
He dreads each second that he thinks about that awful benzene ring.
He dreads each second that he thinks about that awful benzene ring.
He dreads each second that he thinks about that awful benzene-benzene ring.

CHEMIST
You see I’m much more int’rested in aspects theoretical,
And forming inert gas compounds via methods synthetical,
Since I’ve no int’rest in life processes or those botanical,
I am the very model of a chemist inorganical.

LABORATORY ASSISTANTS
He has no int’rest in life processes or those botanical.
He is the very model of a chemist inorganical.

CHEMIST
Orbitals, shells, de Broglie, and Hund’s rule I find glorious,
While calculating frequency I’m in a state uproarious,
Reporting lab results is a process in which I can assist,
At times I’m less a chemist and more of a data analyst.

I’m int’rested in Heisenberg and in nuclear mass defect,
I swing a bit t’ward physics, Schnell’s law, how a prism can reflect,
I’m great at nomenclature; at complex ions I am first rate,
Like PtCl4-minus is tetrachloro platinate.

LABORATORY ASSISTANTS
Like PtCl4-minus is tetrachloro platinate.
Like PtCl4-minus is tetrachloro platinate.
Like PtCl4-minus is tetrachloro plati-platinate.

CHEMIST
At best I only dabble in the field of calorimetry,
I concentrate on optical coordination symmetry,
I care much less for alkynes, more for energy mechanical,
I am the very model of a chemist inorganical.

LABORATORY ASSISTANTS
He cares much less for alkynes, more for energy mechanical,
He is the very model of a chemist inorganical.

Brian Ginsberg

cartoon

Labster’s Unabashed Dictionary
Steric hindrance
(n) – when you have too many cows.


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