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September 2001
Vol. 10, No. 09, p 58.
Lighter Elements
Marxist Theories
I have found that the justification for the use of outside consultants can be derived from statements approaching first principles. The Marx Assertion (as asserted by Julius “Groucho” Marx) has been widely quoted since its first pronouncement in the 1930s, and thus is believed by many to be a singularly truthful observation.

The Marx Assertion states: “I would not belong to any club that would have me as a member.” From this, we can logically proceed to: “I cannot trust the judgment of anyone who would work here.” Which then forces the point: “The truth lives out of town.”

Thus, we have logically determined that the qualifications of a consultant increase in direct proportion to the distance that he or she must travel.

Hank Parker


In-advert-ent and Im-press-ive Errors
Announcing the 26th International Symposium on High Performance Liquid Phase Separation and Elated Techniques. (Glad to hear that people are enjoying their work.)

The fastest scan speed of any quadruple GC/MS! (Okay, these tandem techniques are getting way out of hand.)

Mad cow found in cow born after ’97. (Peeved bovine has been trying to escape for 4 years.)

WHO probes health effects of vaccines that contain mercury. (Another hilarious routine by Abbott and Costello?)

Company awarded U.K. patent for migraine. (Great, it’ll now cost you £4 to have a headache in Liverpool.)

Company to present data on novel asthma therapy. (Doctor, doctor, my book keeps wheezing.)

Labster’s Unabashed Dictionary
Lewis acid (n)—the pharmaceutical that prompted the writing of Alice in Wonderland.

Matrix (n)—the jokes that come a month after April 1.

Motif (n)—what you get when your baby teeth fall out.

Redox (n)—a crimson cow.

van der Waal’s radius (n)—a measurement required to determine van der Waal’s pant size (see also van der Waal’s circumference).

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